Welcome to my first post of 2023. I would loathe saying this is a comeback after being away for such a long time, but, in reality, I am taking things as they flow. Last year -2022- brought learning lessons with it. With an array of emotional unpredictabilities and unimaginable situations affecting close relationships, identifying my red flags and areas of my life I should work on with a sense of urgency, yet, the biggest one of them, I realise that I need to let fear out the door. Aside from personal battles -a.k.a. my ongoing mental health- some tragic family news shook my ground and reset my sense of priorities and importance with people and my surroundings. Nevertheless, I do not plan to relinquish my grip with Awkwardly Vain.

Speaking Awkwardly Vain

As a reflection of what the year might look ahead for AV, nothing is on concrete ground, and changes are happening. When I launched AV years back, it had the solemn goal of introducing myself and my former writing partner to the fashion world with trends, our outlooks and notes on our personal styles. We parted ways for X or Y reasons; honestly, I cannot remember. I continued with the vision that -back then- I thought redundant for the audience and myself. I love working in partnership; it gives me a feeling that I owe some respect and work ethic to the person(s) I am working with and helps me fulfil goals with sensibility. It is also realistic that partnerships change course and mature, and if they do not grow together, they split. I took my journey solo for a brief moment and concluded that it was not exactly what I wanted; I wanted a sense of community and belonging. But sometimes, my wants and needs, with the help of my impostor syndrome, can take me to infinite highs and massive crashes. I allowed the same mistakes to take away the best of me with my second/third round of writers. All I can do is ask for their patience and forgiveness and offer infinite gratitude and lots of love. 

It is time for me to go solo once again and define what Awkwardly Vain means to me and how I can make it and take it where I envision it going with the things that ignite my passion.

My Pillars: Fashion, Design and Creativity

My relationship with fashion is astray as I find the industry intimidating, and I have yet to decipher how to navigate the scene in my city entirely. However, Fashion and Design are very much present daily and nightly as I constantly breathe, eat, dream, and fantasise about them. It is undeniably a call incrusted in my DNA even before being conceived. It is an industry that makes my heart beat faster and never ceases to impress me with the latest advances and upcoming designers revealing who and what they are [fearlessly] to the world. 

Even broadening my horizons and beyond fashion, Interior Design and Illustrating are a must for me; they are the tranquillity that balances my piece of the world. I practice interior design in my shared space, playing with elements that bring joy and promote creativity, an essential in my home. I love quirky, maximalist walls that bring memories and spark conversation among my guests, bringing a visual playground for everyone’s eyes to roam. I love textures and an overload of outlandish print combinations that -oddly- harmoniously coexist. As far as my illustration pieces go, it is still a work in progress; I have not found -or recovered- my art style, but if I have to define it, it is close to my writing style; sensitive, dark at times and a reflection of my emotions. After all, I portray myself as undeniably imaginative, ready to create as long as my confidence remains more potent than my insecurities. 

Overflowing With Sensitivity 

I am a colossal empath; sometimes, I want to help everyone at once, even when I cannot help myself. It is my blessing and my curse. Last year I attended a Women’s March Rally when SCOTUS was overturning Roe vs Wade. My head clouded after weeks of extensive research about abortion rights, medical malpractices, and racially, economically, and sociably targeted women, leaving them with narrow healthy possibilities of overcoming a safe abortion. I was so close to finishing my post, but I felt so incapable of doing so as my view of the world and national politics disgusted me so much that I went down spiralling into a depressive episode. I do not regret putting myself in that position. It taught me how to navigate topics that are -usually- seen as uncomfortable, to recognise that even when I am part of a minority group, I have advantages in society and how I should be mindful of others. It also encouraged me to educate myself to deconstruct my remaining patriarchal thoughts, be more supportive, and use my voice when necessary. 

It Is All About Growing Here

Every day I feel like I am getting closer to finding my full potential while being open to vulnerability, admitting mistakes, and taking accountability for my actions while walking away from my victimised mentality. Once I started debunking what was -and at times still is- holding me back, my brain switched activated and shook off from the overthinking couch. Granted, I understand my mental health and traumas influence how I navigate every corner of life, but as long as my support group is with me, I am on a winning streak.

I am eager for everything to come, and I cannot wait to continue building this community with you, The AV Crowd.