Welcome to the first vomit of words of AST -Awkward Shower Thoughts- where I will share random thoughts and anything in between (whatever that might mean down the writing road).

Growing up or becoming an adult is the worst thing that could happen (at least, that is how I consider it). In general, I am okay with getting older -it is just another calendar to fill with tasks, exciting plans, or whatnots; but what about the feeling that I am a kid with more responsibilities and other ridiculous things to achieve and that, according to the ones surrounding us makes us belief with the encouragement -that at some point in our lives- we will feel fulfilled. Why do all of a sudden, we need to become these over-achievers? I used to want to get more things done with my life and be a girl boss. Still, all I could achieve was getting burnt out, depressed, and wanting to separate myself from society, which I occasionally do. Ten years after graduating high school, I realised how much pressure there is to select a career that will “determine” us for the rest of our professional lives. INTENSE. I am $100k in debt working in a different job than what I went to university for. I am self-aware that I am not the first or last person to be in that particular predicament. Although I work in a similar field of my studies, it differs from what I had planned for myself almost a decade ago.

Now, thinking about how I move countries to study in what I thought back then was my dream university, start a new life, pay my rent, buy a used car out of necessity (I do not live in a walkable city), find a job that could help me cover my uni + life expenses, astray me from the goals that I had. Instead of living, I was playing a survivalist game. My studies became secondary, and performing at my job to pay bills became one of my biggest priorities. I did not know shit back then, and to this day, I would have done it much differently with the experience I gathered during those ten years. But, figures, I cannot turn back the clock, and I am still playing that survivalist game thanks to this global inflation we all share. People say, count your blessing and whatever else is in that positivity Kool-Aid people drink. Fucking delusional.

It is almost as if another positivity pandemic is affecting people’s egos to forget how shitty they really are deep inside. Funny enough, I met some individuals like that; they lack genuine empathy and often detach from reality. And no, I am not hating anyone; on the contrary, I would examine my flaws before targeting someone outside of my exterior persona. Besides, therapy is fantastic for self-discovering how awful one can be. It provides you with the tools to change yourself (if you want to do so).

A fine example is that I need to work harder- on managing my anger. Yes, I have angry outbursts. No, I do not pretend to be a calm lamb. It is a work in progress. However, I still feel dumbfounded that some people love to mask who they are, which sucks. My dad told me once, “If you are going to be good, be the best, and if you are going to be bad, be even better at it”. So, if you are an egotistic piece of garbage, do it with pride, shine for who you are, and do not pretend to be somebody else.

Going back to that empathy talk, sometimes, when I talk to certain people, you can tell how empathy is there, but in the smallest quantity you can think about. They often forget how people are affected differently depending on their mental, economic, and emotional situations. Yes, some people build themselves from the ground and are the humblest ever; others — manage to come above the surface (barely) and cannot rest and afford themselves a break because they know being above that surface is temporary and drowning is a sudden thing that comes unadvised and uninvited. That is how I have lived since I became a legal adult after turning that magical age. I am always enduring by a thread, trying to keep up with the fight against world inequality and answering questions that those who grew up with more economic advances ask, thinking they were supposed to be mandatory and not a luxury afforded by a small but living comfortably percentage of humans.

I get easily caught up doing the right things, paying my bills and a bit extra so the interest does not kill me; I pay my portion of my rent as early as possible so I can feel responsible and take that exhausting pressure off my shoulders, I try to keep my beat-up car with a full tank of petrol so -at least- I am not stranded for something I am responsible for; when it comes to doing things for myself, all of a sudden feels expensive as if I was less critical than my dues. The only things I have done for self-care since I could no longer afford therapy are getting my nails done and stuff I could do at home, such as decorating certain areas of my apartment here and there or going for walks. Thankfully, going out for walks is free. It is easy to get overwhelmed by this monstrous economy with good-paying jobs that do not keep up with the actual dumpster fire that the cost of living is. Nothing will matter if I die soon, right? So I keep reminding myself to take things as lightly as possible, without wanting to be a bicycle; one can only dream of being an object and have no feelings whatsoever, but I have not grown the wheels yet, so there is that.

Speaking of not having feelings and emotions, the other day, someone advised me to celebrate my beauty instead of uploading pictures of myself with clown or mammal filters. I am so comfortable sharing photos like that because it makes me happy. I wonder if anyone filters their thoughts out, especially when giving unasked advice to someone else. How does that work? My curiosity levels spike within me just thinking about what body language I must give off for someone to feel the urgent need to communicate such a thing. With all sincerity, I was not born to feed the male gaze or the idea that the patriarchy oppresses us. My “uglification” makes me feel free and safe. So why would anyone get bothered by it? Is it not giving anyone a hard-on, which is why it is offensive or uncomfortable? But now that I am putting it into words, I should thank this individual for the comment, as it served me for a brief amount of content.

And with that vomit of shower thoughts poured onto this corner of the internet, I am out until the next one!