To my Forever Light.

Para El Niño:

Today was my first day of University and I wish I could share that with you. It’s been a week now since I’ve known and some part of me still thinks the news are false. It’s possible that some part of me will always feel that way. I take it as an improvement that my body’s reaction is no longer to sob when even the slightest thought runs through my head, but I will admit it very much still hurts. I,ve been mostly saddened but also mad and it’s hard to pinpoint at what. Possibly myself? For missing my chance at saying goodbye. The World? For taking you ahead of time. Or maybe even time? For not being perfect at this time. All bizarre, which makes me realize I just need to continue even with the questions and the pain. 

As the days go by I realize that neither time, the World, and most importantly myself are to blame. At the time, and possibly for as long as I can tell time, there may be nothing to blame. I give thanks that timing in some way was divine and new opportunities such as work and education keep me busy and in focus. I already mourn not being able to celebrate these successes with you but something tells me that wherever you are, you are taking care of me and guiding me in the right path. Knowing you’re watching over me now gives my steps purpose. 

Someone dearly close to me recently told me “Doubt is the worst poison of the soul”. That short sentence influenced me into learning about your whereabouts even though a World of distance divided us. Nothing stopped me, and even after many had searched I found the way to learn the truth. Although what I really wish is to be able to converse with you again I just hope that the joyful moments we shared remained somewhere within you as a sign of strength in your final minutes as they will eternally shine bright within me. As I say goodbye to the man who taught me how to ride a bike and displayed unreturnable kindness and care towards mine and my brother’s happiness and wellbeing, I hope to make you proud.

September 2011

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