New Year, Same Mess

This world and the system we grew up in, made me think that I just wasn’t meant for this life. It sounds as if I’m blaming everything but me but just, keep reading. I have always been a very sensible human being, I know we all are, but really I was a mess. I cry for absolutely every reason, even if you think it’s stupid and someone would never cry about that, think again cause I probably cried about it. I’m such a crybaby I cried over a lollipop…in university. So, when the panda express hit I was stuck with the person I fear the most, myself. I felt so much at once I felt numb.  I felt as if I had lost all of my personality even, I described myself as a workaholic and I just didn’t know I was distracting myself.

I finally can name the emptiness that I have felt ever since I was a kid. I had been to psychologists before but they never could diagnose me cause apparently I’m really good at hiding it. Or as I like to see it, I’m a great actress. Hollywood wait for me! I have what is known as functional depression or distimia in a more appropriate manner. It’s basically the same as every depression diagnosis except for the fact that we can “still function” at a great cost there is. A soon to be psychologist with mental health issues, oh so weird! I say this, so that anyone who reads this know that yes, even the ones that are supposed to have it together, don’t. Even if it appears so. We’re all human and none of us remain unaffected by the environment or genetics. This is also a great deal of why I always feel so hollow and why my brain somehow interprets it as having no pleasure in things and therefore no space for looking for that purpose because nothing really fills you just right. I can verbalize it now after a while processing it but I’m not gonna lie. It’s been really hard dealing with this while living alone through all of these “historic moments”.

Eventually I’ll make a post about depression and anxiety alone and why it’s so common or why we all experience it to some degree. Before this chapter in our lives we call 2020, my motor was school and work, I had barely any time for myself and my free time was basically for chores. When all that stopped, I felt lost, really lost. And this is what people maybe don’t like to talk about this pandemonium, all our lives is revolved around productivity. So when you stop being productive, you’re falling right into limbo. “What is my purpose?” we all ask ourselves at some point in life.

What the fuck is my purpose? I don’t know, I seriously don’t. All my life has revolved around being silly and living in the moment. Yes, I have goals and ambitions but that’s not my purpose, that’s my way of fitting into this system so I don’t starve. You don’t get to live of your dreams, and since I was little I had to be realistic cause all around me I had people obsessed with achieving something yet they never stopped to enjoy the moment (except for my grandma and aunt whom I learned a lot from). For example, I always fought with my mom cause whenever we would get to a place she would just be on the phone or taking pictures. It’s true that later I realized the joy of taking pictures of these moments and took the time to use that as an activity we could bond over. Like everything when it’s done in excess, it’s bad when you do it during the whole time. Take the picture for the memories but also enjoy the view.

After the whole process of just feeling and listening to my emotions this 2020. After a lot of written pages in my journal I  never could really figure it out and come to one answer for what I want in life or what my purpose is. All I know is I want to explore and travel to different places like Iceland, Norway, France. I want to be a great psychologist and researcher. I want to be a writer, not professionally but you know, have the time to write. I want to inspire people to be kinder and better themselves. I also want to be an artist and just use every instrument or medium I have to express it. I’ve always loved art and used it as my outlets until life became to busy for me to find time for them so they just became a drag. On this train of thought I’ll add that, having hobbies and things that you enjoy as an outlet really makes a difference in our daily lives. Open yourself to try new things and don’t be afraid of “not being good at something”. If it pleases your soul, go for it!

I want a lot of things and just have one life to achieve it, I know I’m just 25 years old and for some, I still have a lot of time ahead of me. Um yes, I know but there’s just so much I want to do OMG. It’s crazy. So I don’t have a purpose and that’s my whole realizing after this pandemic. I have a whole lot of purposes and motivations, and you know what that’s called, a will to live. When you’re all over the place it’s easy to miss what is right in front of you and feel lost.  So in other words, I’m purposeFULL. I don’t know if it’s because I just spent SO much time moping about this like really, A LOT, that I grew tired of it. I was so against adulting, I guess I was just having an allergic reaction. I know that I’m not the only one and that’s why I talk about myself, to share once again that you’re not alone.

art: @raminnazer

So for me, or the way I see it, your purpose is your spark, whatever drives you. Even if you think is dumb. Even if you think “oh my dream is to just live on a hillhouse and be with my dogs” or “all I want is to read books on my window looking at the rain”. That’s it. I got sad news, we still gotta work and fit into this system even if we don’t like it. Take it from me, you don’t wanna spend your days being angry at the government or thinking about the injustices we see every day. I didn’t know how to be aware of these issues but still disconnect whenever I felt overwhelmed or like it affected my mood drastically. It’s good to be informed, that’s amazing but remember where to redirect that burning passion. So again, whatever your spark, purpose or motivations are to keep holding on to this plane of life, hold on to them real tight.

It’s very easy to lose sight of what’s important in this world where everything has been created for us. It is what people of the past thought society needed and well, it needs quite a few updates. Life is everchanging and we all know this, as we are too. Constantly growing, unlearning and learning and seeking for more. Look within you and see what you can offer and what gives you a sense of reward based on your passions. That is your purpose. You do not need a purpose I say all the time, but these days I started to think about it and truth is, you do. A purpose that makes sense to YOU and gives you a sense of belonging and meaning to this plane of life. As a quote I saw while scrolling on twitter: “do what makes your soul shine”. Also, if you haven’t seen Soul go watch it. It has a lot of what I tried to portray here.

Pinterest photo: artist unknown

Remember to always be goofy, be yourself and don’t ever let anyone dim your light.