People around me often tells me “Wow, you are full of talents! What can’t you do?” At first, I couldn’t find an answer to the last question, but with time I discovered what I CAN’T do. I am full of talents. I write, I sing, I dance since I was 3 years old, I draw, my brain has allowed me to learn 6 languages, I’m a fashion designer… But you know what I can’t do? Trust myself.
I’m very insecure of what I do, and I have seconds thoughts about everything. Once I finish something, the questions start to pop out in my head: Is it okay? Is it good enough? Does it look good?
I don’t know why am I like this? I’ve always been surrounded by supportive people, but still, I can’t seem to learn how to be confident. It’s not that I don’t love myself, because I love me! But there’s always this voice behind my ear trying to convince me that I do everything wrong.
Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’m a perfectionist and I look for the tiniest flaws in everything I do. No matter how beautiful it turns out or how perfect everyone sees it, I still think it’s not good enough. This is a big problem because my career depends a lot in my confidence. I’m a translator and I have to defend my decisions. It’s a curse! Because sometimes I come up with genius ideas, but my brain can’t process it, or jut because one person questions what I did, my whole confidence crumbles.
Is it because I’m an only child? Could be. Maybe my grandma or my mom, because of the fear that I might get hurt, didn’t let me do certain things by myself and now I’m scared of doing things on my own. Don’t get me wrong, getting help is also good. Could be my social anxiety acting on me, that even though I’ve work hard to get better, it’s still there in the back of my mind, bothering.
It’s weird somehow, because I’m a person who likes risks and makes abrupt changes, for example: I might have been red-haired for 3 years and out of nowhere, I would arrive with black hair.
It’s hard because I’m always thinking there’s probably someone who’s better than me, then lack of motivation arrives, and I stop doing whatever I was doing. Sometimes it’s really hard because I truly want to finish or I want to do something, but I can’t find the motivation again, and I get frustrated.
I really need to get surrounded by people that support me and motivates me to continue. It’s not that I don’t have a few, but let’s say I’m too close to someone who’s not supportive at all, I wish this could change. It’s not good to be around someone who constantly judges your decisions, your likings, or even what you do. “But why don’t you just walk away?” Well, I’m even insecure in that. I keep thinking that if I distance myself nobody else is going to stand me or that I’ll be left alone. Either way, I’m a magnet to this kind of people because apparently my mind can be easily manipulated. This is something I still need to work on.
Talking about my talents, in a burst of confidence, I started a mini shop to sell some of my creations, and as I started to get orders, my dear friend insecurity clouded my mind: does people actually like what I do or they just say is good out of pity? Everyone might tell me that they absolutely love what I do, but why do I keep doubting myself? You might think I have a praising kink, but I really just need reassurance.
A few months ago, a friend invited me to sing at a K-Pop event. We practiced for MONTHS, I even learned how to rap IN KOREAN. When the day arrived, I was feeling super uncomfortable. What if I forgot my lines? What if I started at the wrong tone? I froze when it was time and I was already there, in front of hundreds of people, with mic in hand. My friend held my hand and reassured me that everything would be fine and at the end, everyone loved it. People even lighted on their phone flashlights and I felt like in a movie.
I used to dance. In fact, I started dancing ballet when I was 3 years old. I remember the magic of it. As I started to grow up, I also started feeling the competitiveness around me. Many of the other girls wanted the spotlight and they would do anything to get it, so I left, just before I was going to start to dance on pointe shoes. Then for my 15th birthday, I started in bellydance and I loved it! I was in a place where I learned how to love my body even though I am chubby. I didn’t fear to show what I have, and I dare to say I was good at dancing. Sadly, I had to leave because of college. Definitely, bellydance was something that I enjoyed and that helped me to gain confidence, I should try getting back to it, maybe it’ll help me.
Let’s talk about my cosplaying skills. Many cosplayers around admire me, I’ve had people come to me and say, “You really are my role model, please never change”. And I get so flattered, really… How am I so admirable around all these very talented cosplayers? I try my best to look exactly like the characters and is because I’m such a perfectionist. But sometimes, I too have moments where I doubt myself because, again, I see all these amazing cosplayers around and think that everyone is better than me. It doesn’t help that a few of them get on a high horse and humiliate others who aren’t as skilled as them. The key in the cosplay community is to enjoy what you do and not compare yourself to others (which is kinda hard sometimes, I admit).
Jumping on my bachelor’s degree, I found out I’m good at learning languages because it’s one of my passions. I know 6 languages, but I won’t ever dare to speak because, guess what? I AM INSECURE! Saying something wrong, or messing up on pronunciation is my biggest fear, even when people know I’m just learning. I might know how it’s said, I might know the pronunciation and I’ll still doubt myself. It happens even in English, sometimes I know a word and I just google it to make sure it’s correctly written. I need to keep practicing, to not forget the languages I know and to keep improving…
Even as I’m writing this, I keep doubting on what to keep and what to delete, because people might read it and find flaws or I might offend someone, which I don’t want to because I’m just here speaking my mind.
Sometimes I feel I have so much knowledge in my brain and I don’t even know what to do with it or how to let it out, maybe that’s what is happening to me. I have so much ideas but I don’t know how to bring them to life. Someday my head will explode with the creativity is holding inside.
After writing this, I learned that man of my insecurities come from my past experiences and I need to let them go, not forget them, but learn from them. I need to forgive those who did me wrong and need to realize that not everyone is evil. Some really want to see you success, and of course, there are a few that wouldn’t like to see you shine, but if it’s meant to be your spotlight, nobody can take it away from you.
Anyways, I’m a talented talentless soul full of possibilities, who’s just learning how to be confident, just you wait and I might conquer the world.
Awkwardly Vain 
This is so beautifully written! Glad I could learn a bit more about your beautiful soul!!
LikeLiked by 1 person