Welcome to another of my life rants where I get to update you with my ultra-orthodox nonsense. However, this time around is not going to be as deep as some of my posts, but it would not be bleak, my promise.
I guess I keep too much for myself, oversharing or opening the window to my private life it is something that diminishes my secrets at a painful rate. Just this time, it is not so painful; after three years of hardships, my mental health exploded as an ordinary threat and many other extravagances, I am finally moving forward with my partner. Say what?! Yes, daring readers, I have been in a mesmerizing relationship since 2017 with a brave soul who’s supported me in pretty much everything, from my mood swings to wearing a menstrual cup, and even adopted a puppy when we first met 3-4 months into dating. I could not ask for more. My previous relationships have been disastrous, so I came into this one with no expectations, a hell of a rollercoaster, nonetheless, here we go, intimidating our destinies, uniting our nest for the first time.
That is all you are going to get from my romantic insight. If you are still here, reading, and trying to conquest this piece, keep scrolling.
I learnt that feeling secure needs to come within you, the security you can bring to yourself and no one else. I used to think my ethic over my frequented areas would maintain my status impeccably, in reality, that security came down to my guts -just because- my emotions are too strong. I never thought my silent emotions, projected to facial expressions would be troublesome at my refreshing -not so refreshing- 25 years old. Insane to think my own emotions are the betrayal of simple choices, solutions, and even the conviction of a judgement that would always be commemorated as a first impression. Life is hard, even controlling my emotions are exhausting and challenging -basically- competing with my poor drinking water skills/follow up. Security is nothing but a word because your destiny is written before your conceivement. Simple things, you share with your subconscious the security of finalizing that last credit card payment, but bloody hell, that annual fee destroys that faith of security, and now you are carrying an unexpected balance. That is the regret about I encounter with my emotions, a highball who charges an annual/monthly unexpected fee.
I overlooked the security of numerous aspects of dear life, and now they come biting my ass. As the saying goes “you live, and you learn”.
My anxiety manages to make every change an eventful one, with a bullet-point of failures, dreading to bring me down as soon as the opportunity presents. Looping back to moving with my partner; I lived all by myself for about two years -before that, I shared a space with roommates- and change is something that I can professionally handle, but personally, it feels like an attack. Change of plans is something that cannot be thrown at me spontaneously. There needs to be a timeframe, an agenda, something that I can control my time, otherwise, I could lose my cool and get a quick, yet disturbing, anxiety attack. Huh, as I am writing this, I am learning a little bit of myself and the triggers of my mental health. Who would ever know, right?
For someone who is not afraid of speaking her mind and saying things how they are, I am still afraid of living. I am -still- afraid of what can happen in the nearby future; would it stay in a straight path, would I live in the same State, would I be friends with the same people? A lot is coming my way, things that have destined to happen without me even wanting it. Maybe they are called life experiences, they still very unwanted on my end, thank you very much. I did not even ask to have all this knowledge!
I know psychologists and professional healers always suggest “living in the present moment”, at times I do not appreciate what I am living in the moment, how can I skip it and move on to the next step? I understand the is a greater good for the current events, shit, someone forgot to separate the good ones from the bad ones in my case. I wish you heard how people comment that I am a soul with bad luck. I hear that constantly, so at a point in my life I believe it, and bad things happened to me; now I do not engage with that thought, but it is still commented.
Life is exciting, nothing great of an outcome for some of us, manageable but I never asked for it. Why do I need to keep “learning” until I have reached my higher purpose? That is just a blatant joke!
End of rant.