For far beyond, I have waited and been patient for those surrounding me to get to know my personality. As humans, we tend to grow each day with every challenge that thrown our ways. However, the reality of all is that we cannot confront the currents of those roots that we carry deep in our soul.
Not too long ago, I was told to have anger issues, that I could not take a joke properly, but I am always all for it when it comes to mocking someone. That resonated in my head and made me second-guessing if it was a real issue or just someone excusing itself for not tolerating my personality. It took me by storm, but I was not surprised to hear it from that person.
I have a strong personality, unlike my friends, I often feel psychotic, but not the real definition, maybe something like a fictional psychosis. It always gets in the way I end up being the oddball in all my group friends for thousands of reasons. Does it bother me? Not at all; on the contrary, I bring the extra spice, the art of mental illness, the freedom of expression and passive-aggressive sense of humour.
But here are the truthful reasons why I am tired waiting for others to understand my personality:
- You only know a layer of my life story, but not all the components.
Before you can talk about my anger issues, reflect on your -own- damn issues. It becomes extremely rude to tell a person they have anger issues when you probably know what could detonate them. I mean, I seriously get bothered when my actions are questioned, or when I have not been trusted, and when people agree with things -that to my perception- are unjust or simply an antique practice that does not relate to the current times.
Understand that not everyone tolerates what you are used to tolerating, not everyone will come with the same emotional level as you. Be thoughtful that labelling others can only bring more division to a relationship or friendship.
- You cannot love and hate someone’s personality all at once.
It has happened to me one time too many. I have a bold egotistic personality, an art student who finds passion in art -especially when it emotes deep emotions- I enjoy the responsible freedom I have allowed myself. That is -basically- what you see once you meet me for the first time. I do not play by the book, but I do choose experiences that will make me benefit as a person and as an artist.
When people use my personality against me, you are sending yourself to a box, where I tend to put all the memories and people I no longer wish to surround myself with. Is cool not to agree with me all the times, beware yourself that I have built this character with struggles and I am not backing up from it, not soon, not on the agenda, and probably never.
- I rejoice in the darkness of sadness, when you cannot fight your enemy just bloody join it.
My depression is something I do not think will leave my side, plus anxiety, panic attacks and who knows what else might get in the mental illness mixture. I am not unique for suffering from this triple threat combo, but I hope you do not forget about it because it is part of me. Even though I am usually optimistic, that comes with an expiration time where I get utterly exhausted and need time to align my personality away from people. I enjoy being sad at times it is my perfect balance away from friends, customers, and family. It is a moment of silence, stillness, and a calm environment. People often question my coping mechanisms, but they do not dare to crawl under my skin to understand how it feels to be trapped with something that hits you like a wrecking ball.
It is okay to be sad too, to balance yourself about how you feel. At the end of the day, these are your emotions, you own them, and you become whoever you want, whenever you want.
Do not feel sorry, do not apologize for your personality or your emotions. People are always judging others for how they act and so on, and sometimes they want whatever aura you have. Sometimes is just their way of telling you they are ambushed under their -own- skin directionless. Even them, even when you are tired of explaining your eccentric personality, someone is out there taking notes for themselves, learning your ways and how they can achieve it.
Take this as a personal rant, an attack to my shadows, an unsupported way of letting my fumes off, a public journal, or an embarrassment to self. I am not amused by being pushed away for the words that come out of my mouth, or the actions I am constantly judged by…
My best advice is to always choose you, choose what is best for you, what keeps you going, what satisfies your ego. Take time to understand yourself, do not have a cookie-cutter personality, be bold, be strange. Sometimes we work ourselves and judge ourselves way too hard before realizing that death is imminent and you have not lived nor experienced what you wanted. Do not take life for granted every damn day is an opportunity to live, help others out to understand themselves too.
Only the heavens know what is my purpose in life after trying to say goodbye 7 times now. There is no time to be ashamed for who you are, work on being comfortable in your damn flesh.