Thirty days of quarantine, thirty days to myself, or thirty days of staying at home doing my part as a citizen? It does not matter how I see it, I am here, and I will be here for an undetermined time. What has been through my neurons is hard to explain. Could it be stress, anxiety, the beginning of a panic attack or, simple signs of depression? Who could tell, who could care enough to read this? If you are reading this, I am going to walk you through my ocean of confusion and the fabulous ideas that have crossed my mind.
Week Numero Uno
That first week at home felt like the perfect time for me, still getting paid from work for the next two weeks (the time scheduled to stay home). My activities started by making sure I had enough food to avoid going outside as much, listing what I wanted to achieve around my apartment. Being at home spark multiple ideas of how I envision myself in the upcoming years. Would I be living in Miami, would I start a new career or, would I ever start my side hustle? All this overthinking served as the triggering moment, I felt like the pressure was on, it became a familiar feeling, anxiety was starting to kick in. I told myself I would not read the news about COVID-19 and, that was exactly what I did for my mental health sake. My mum was keeping me updated with all the news.
My wildest thoughts involved a shopping spree from IKEA. Who would think about buying things from IKEA in moments like this? Well, I did but, I never got the chance to buy what I wanted, which was very silly yet, entertaining. IKEA is my sanctuary, where I go anytime that I feel sad or slightly depressed. Beautifying my apartment keeps me sane.
I did not go to IKEA, I sure did keep myself busy. I had a container with some air-dry clay, made a table coaster, round shape, very basic. Having my hands busy would keep my thoughts busy as well. During this time, I recruited new writers for this rad site you are reading from. It made me proud to have people that believed in my vision the same way I believe they would do amazing things. My first week was almost over, I did a vast amount of things which I was pleased by, kind of successful.
Week numero two
This week hit me like a trainwreck, someone close to me lost his job, it was devastating. I am used to jumping from job to job, defying my financial status, I am not used to those close to me going through a laid-off. I opened my social media and realized a lot of the restaurants I used to go were closing their doors. I immediately told myself, oh, shit, this is getting serious. Trying to keep myself calm, I resourced to the one thing that eases me up, meditation. Nothing could turn my worrisome switch off. Early signs of really getting bad shit anxious, I was losing the battle. My mum back home is a hairstylist, she is not working either, I was the only one still getting an income from those surrounding me. My journal looked like a math solving problem, thinking to myself, how would I make end meets if I lose my job too? A sticky situation and, the what if’s, were driving me first class to become insane. Pinching my lips every day until they bleed, holding my tears because not having control over something becomes very frustrating. Maybe, just maybe, if I focus on motivating others, I could get out of my funk. That seemed like the perfect plan, it was executed, it worked only until the week was over.
Week numero three
Bad luck and fate driving up and down the streets. I had scheduled a conference call from work, almost everyone in the company was furloughed, confusing enough, I had to google what the hell that meant. I lost my job temporarily, not only I was battling my anxiety, but now my old friend depression was peeping like a creep. I did not want to be depressed, I was not the only one going through this, I should not feel special about this. It hit me hard, going from the only person in my immediate family to still getting paid to being furloughed. Now all of us are waiting on this pandemic to pass and resume our lives again. I cannot remain calm, it is an insane idea to wait on something to change, every second my anxiety is drowning me. I would scream out of my lungs instead of crying, I would drink tea instead of venting, I even grew out a mustache and a unibrow and I did not care. Life became a big fuck everything else, I am hurting badly but, so is everyone else. How could I bring a spark to anyone if the vibe surrounding me was exactly the same? The answer was more music, pretending to be okay and, motivating others to push themselves. I would still wake up early, for what exactly? I would write down topics of things I wanted to publish. I reached out to people, seeking for stories or interviews. Keeping myself occupied, I manage to schedule two interviews. One of them, about Dating In The Gay Community, that one is out now so you can go and read it. The next one will be out anytime between mid-April and the end of April.
Week numero Four
At this point, I am utterly tired. I am still moving at a pace that I should not be moving. I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, still waking up before 8am. Writing keeps me going, I wonder if it is saving my mental health as in right now? I am now two weeks suspended from my job, anything related to it is a sad memory. My routine is very simple, walk the dog first thing in the morning, he chases a cat or a peacock, I chase him, everyone is getting their cardio in early in the morning. After that, brew my tea, sit down, keep up with the rest of the writers, write something myself, maintain our IG account, wash my face following Himeko’s A few Tips About Beauty (available to read on our website). That is it. Maybe I will become an activist after all of this is over, maybe I will self-teach myself Dutch or, French or, Russian, who knows. There are so many things I want to do during this time. I am getting ridiculously overwhelmed, my heart and mind are tired. My health coach is awesome, she gave me so many tips to battle this, maybe I will win against anxiety for the second time.
Today I just want to share my journal with you and that is it.