Who The Hell Am I?

Do you ever stutter when someone comes around asking you to describe yourself? Or can you answer the question right away? Well, let me tell you that I, (yours truly), do not have a frecking wrecking idea as to how I am supposed to respond!

I am currently in a weird limbo in my life. I recently turned 24 this year and, the struggle is 20x scarier than the US 2020 elections. When someone approaches me and asks me, “So what are you up to nowadays?” or, “How can you describe yourself?”. I deadass have no idea of what should I answer or even how to respond. It almost seems like every day is a new challenge to get to know me.

Do you ever feel like you have a new personality every day?

googly eyes

Every morning I wake up with an idea of who I could possibly be. That idea only lasts during a short period of time before I come in contact with another human being. Once that happens, I lose myself to self-doubt and slowly start transcending in a primitive awkward situation. Is no secret that I despise humanity and their weird aura that can change the perspective of everything.

Before I leave my apartment, I do my morning yoga routine, try to meditate and, of course, brew my morning tea. I already know that I am leaving my house in a strangely positive mood. On my way to work, I keep that same good energy, singing to my favorite songs and, yadda, yadda, yadda. The truth is I am a very emotional person who can literally change moods according to the vibrancy that I feel in my surroundings. And that really, but really, sucks!

Like honestly, I just want to be with the person I woke up being that morning! I find it challenging to keep a mood, to be myself, to feel calm in my own skin. As much as I practice my breathing, think about how one day I will satisfy my alter-ego, it feels like nothing is possible. I have to face it, I do suffer from anxiety and panic attacks; therefore, that awfully explains the disconnection I have with moi.

Could mental health play a significant role in all this?

This is the part where I definitely cover all my dirty thoughts and throw them inside of a perplex (unlockable) box! In the past, I absolutely deny believing that it was a real problem. Now, I am suffering the consequences of that minuscule white and black lie. Deep in me, I knew that I should have addressed all my mental instability during my teen years and freed myself from not knowing the person I want(ed) to be. It is frustrating to be in my mid-twenties and still fear if I am capable of pushing myself to things I want to do, yet, stopping because I don’t trust I can succeed. I call it being a pathetic loser, even though, I kiss me in my forehead for at least trying to do better.

Sometimes I wonder if setting small goals will push me closer to my own rat race. Yes, I call it a rat race because we all think about being successful in what we dearly love doing the most. And I get it, no one wants to be stuck doing the things they hate the most; but, how do you have the balls to be there? Like does anyone wakes up so hyperactive motivated and performs a speech about themselves in front of the mirror feeling almighty? Seriously, if anyone practices this (if it works) please I am interested in buying the whole recipe.

Nonetheless, I don’t know if I will ever come to an agreement with my temple, my soul, my beautiful brown athletic body with love-handles. Perhaps, one day, I will wake up laying the law, feeling empowered, telling you I am a baddy not caring if you are feeling judgemental, because, I would definitely won’t care! Or perhaps it would take me a whole whimsical day meditating and writing on a journal about the person I think I am.

Ugh, the one and only thing I can assure you is that I know who I could be in different scenarios. I could go from total class clown, all the way to a Chemical Romance listener acting super emo. I could be super caring and, I can also be the super villain that comes around taking snaps of your bad-hair day and post them on social media. That’s me, that is what you would get from me in an instant cup noodle. We all know we take our chances with those, either it spills like a river in the microwave or, it fills you up with love and affection. The lesson of the day is that there’s no definition of my so-called creative personality, and that’s mother-f okay too.